The Heartbreak of Loss
The Heartbreak of Loss
My Mama Quica was the most loving grandmother and the most caring person—selfless to a fault.
My cousins and I called my maternal grandmother Mama Quica because she was more than a grandmother. Near or far, I always felt her motherly warmth, and after my mother died, she was my mother.
At 92 years old, she outlived her daughter (my mother) who died eight years ago at the age of 63. She outlived her son who died more than three years ago, and her husband who died more than 45 years ago. Early on in her marriage she also experienced the pain of losing a newborn.
If anyone knew the heartbreak of loss, it was my Mama Quica.
I got the call on January 21 that forever shattered my hope of having more moments like these with my grandmother. My Mama Quica had joined her baby, my mother, uncle and grandfather in heaven. I would no longer hold her close and tell her I love her. Que tristesa perder a la raíz de mi madre, mi Mama Quica.
Nunca olvidaré este momento tan especial. ¡Mi mamá, Mama Quica y yo nos divertimos mucho tomando estas fotos! The above photos were taken one year before my mother’s death. I will never forget taking this photo with my mother and Mama Quica. Moments like these are forever engrained in my mind.
Despite living more than 1200 miles away in Aguascalientes, Mama Quica was there for me every step of my life. I saw/communicated with her more often than most of the local family I had. It’s probably why we always remained so close. It’s also why this loss is so heartbreaking.
After my parents passed away in 2009 and 2010, I struggled with abandonment issues. Logically, I understood that they did not leave me on purpose. They did not really abandon me, but it felt like my best friends had left me. I didn’t understand why they had to get sick and die. I had lost the people who loved me the most in this world. But every time I talked to Mama Quica, I knew I was home. I knew I was loved, and I felt that same warmth again that my parents surrounded me with while they were alive.
The fear of losing her in 2015 steered me towards a different career path and a brighter mentality. My parents had already been gone for more than four years when I started working at my last television job in Phoenix. I had sacrificed a lot to pursue a career in television, and my parents had been my biggest fans, but it’s during my time working in the Phoenix market that I realized I needed a change for my mental well being. In 2015, Mama Quica had a stroke. It was the beginning of her downfall.
Stress had already been building up at work, and news of Mama Quica’s stroke pushed me over the edge. For the first and only time, I cried at work. I showed vulnerability in front of the wrong person at the wrong time. The result helped me realize it was time to move on to a different job that would respect my talent and give me more work-life balance.
I can now look back and have no regrets about that decision. At a new job, with more work-life balance, I was able to visit family and return to hobbies I previously enjoyed. I was also able to develop another coping mechanism to help heal my mind: styling with sentimental items. It may sound strange that fashion helps me cope, but it’s true! It makes me feel better to wear outfits that remind me of my loved ones.
The blouse on the right was also handmade. It has the most beautiful bright colors, and it reminds me of my Mexican roots. I love it! The earrings (handmade artisan earrings from Mexico) were gifts from one of my cousins. They go perfectly with Mama Quica’s attire.
When Mama Quica died, I rushed to Aguascalientes to spend time with family. While there, Mama Quica’s surviving children were kind enough to gift me two items of Mama Quica’s clothing. The crochet cape was handmade by Mama Quica’s sister. She wore it frequently. I feel her embrace when I place it over my shoulders.
I know it will be difficult to return to Aguascalientes and not see my Mama Quica, but I have ahijadas there that need me and tias and primos that I can connect with.
I can’t forget my roots. Good thing, these special fashionista items are with me to remind me of my roots even when I’m at home! I’m grateful for that, and I’m grateful for the warmth the cape and blouse give me. It feels as if Mama Quica is still sending me hugs from afar.
Descansa en páz mi Mama Quica preciosa. Saludos a mis papas de mi parte si los ves por favor.